Notes from the Cast: Emily Webbe

There is only a week of shows left, tickets are selling fast but we added one more performance on Sunday, May 4 at 7:30 pm. Tonight many of us will be at the Helen Hayes Awards with fingers crossed for performers and company members nominated. Even though we are nearing the end of the run we are still getting responses from our cast. Emily Webbe is making her Forum debut playing many characters including Mary Magdalene.

 

Photo by Melissa Blackall

————-

“Despair is the ultimate development of a pride so great and so stiff-necked that it selects the absolute misery of damnation rather than accept happiness from the hands of God and thereby acknowledge that He is above us and that we are not capable of fulfilling our destiny by ourselves.”

This is quoted from Thomas Merton in Guirgis’ Judas, in regards to Judas Iscariot’s ultimate succumbing to despair after having “betrayed” Jesus. And I open my contribution to the Judas blog with this statement because not only therein lies the crux of the play, but it also speaks to me on many different levels.

How dare someone say that despair, due to complete and overwhelming sadness, pain, loss, grief, oppression or violence (etc…) be reflective of one’s own pride? Should those who’ve been tortured in war-torn countries, those who’ve fled from their village to seek political asylum in another more peaceful country and who ultimately suffer from such acute post-traumatic stress that they dissociate from themselves and relive their horrors day in and day out only to develop psychosis resulting in constant nightmares and hallucinations, be labeled prideful? Honestly, this notion disgusts me. Like Freud says in the play, “any God who punishes the mentally ill is not worth worshipping.”

I almost succumbed to despair in the last four months and everyday I struggle and work terribly hard to maintain a sane and “happy” life. Back in December I was living in a ground-floor apartment in a beautiful, residential neighborhood in Alexandria, VA and while sleeping soundly in my bed, in my one-bedroom apartment, alone, I was attacked by an intruder who had slipped into my home while I let my dog out before we went to sleep that night and hid until I was in the most vulnerable states of being-asleep-or maybe he came in through the window I still don’t know, and the police seemingly had no interest in solving the details of this senseless and brutal attack. The man had a knife and attempted to rape me. But I fought him, I bit and I screamed and I got beaten up but I didn’t let him sexually assault or kill me. I fought tooth and nail to save my life. I was at war, in a battle to save my life. And I survived. If that’s not a reason to ultimately succumb to despair, I’m not sure what is.

I continued to work. I moved. And I looked forward to doing this play in the Spring. I’m not sure what was there that night. An angel? God? I’ve always been intensely spiritual, my beliefs incorporate some aspects of Christianity, Buddhism, Native American views of the Great Spirit and so on. The one thing I do know is that when I hike a mountain or watch a sunset I see God and I find refuge in this. I found refuge at 17 years old when I had to continuously hospitalize my father; I found refuge in my dogs throughout the years (which concequently means I’m TOTALLY NOT Catholic because I believe animals have souls and not only have God within them but represent God and unconditional love).

Now? I’m not sure where I find refuge anymore. It’s hard. I’m angry. I’m so incredibly angry. I understand Judas’ anger. I really do. I feel betrayed. Why did this happen to me? Why? What more do I have to endure in this life? I know people say this all the time, but it’s true, it does keep getting harder and harder.

Here I am, though. Here I am and here I’ll stay. Living. I don’t know how or why really sometimes, but I love life. I love it so much. I love laughter and love. Perhaps this is God. I don’t want to miss another sunset, I don’t want to abandon my dog. So here I stay. One step at a time.

Judas is about compassion. Judas is not about judgement or “good” or “bad”. Every time I watch the scene on stage with Judas and Jesus I hope that Judas will go with Jesus, that he will forgive himself and find the beauty in his life-in the meaning of his life. But, I sure do know how hard it is and I certainly don’t judge him for his “paralyzing, immobilizing, overwhelming sadness.”